moving the blog

http://luckydipdays.dreamwidth.org/

To get away from the google machine a bit I've moved to dreamwidth. 

All or nothing/being in the moment

I was pondering this in the car today.  I do a lot of things all or nothing.  If I'm going to do something and I fall down on one part of it then I throw the whole lot in.  This happens particularly with parenting I have noticed.  The day can start off fine, with every one happy and in a good mood but if one grumpy thing happens then I carry that with me for the rest of the day.  I've shouted once so I might as well continue shouting.  I've lost my cool once so I might as well just stay grumpy.  Its a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy and really quite counterproductive!  Why would I want to stay grumpy?! 

A more productive and harmonious way to go about the day would be to stay in the moment and take each moment as it comes.  When a tantrum happens, deal with it, reconnect and move on.  On days when I manage that tantrums happen less, things flow better and life is easier.

The trouble is, realising this and putting it into practice are very different.  The reality is that I am a single mother.  90% of my time at least is spent just me, a 4 year old and a 21 month old.  It takes energy to answer a gazillion "why?" questions with patience and good will.  It takes energy to sit with Ianto and reconnect with him when he has just hurt Anouke because she ruined his game.  It takes energy to support Anouke through a day when she is tired and cranky because she hasn't slept well/is teething/is sick/is developing a new skill and the only way she has to tell me this is by following me around whining. 


All of this takes energy, and recognising that the energy investment will be worth it - that takes energy too.  And to be honest, I don't seem to have that energy!  I am making plans to try and make sure I get the little bit of quiet time I need.  Our future housing plans mean that I should be able to take 5 or 10 minutes a day when it is just quiet, or at least once a week.  I plan to try and go for a walk every day as often as I can to get out in the fresh air and get some exercise.  I plan to turn the computer off more often during the day and interact with the small people more often and more completely.  I have all these plans and I plan to try and start implementing them now when I can.  Hopefully I can remember that energy invested now will be repaid by energy not needed later...

We had a holiday

A couple of weeks ago now, but what can I say?  I'm a slack blogger.  We headed up to Lismore to stay with Kestrel for a few days.  Glorious, sun filled, relaxing days with good friends and many children playing together.  We spent a day at Byron Bay soaking up the sun, walked around the lighthouse and had ice cream.  We visited the car boot market and bought lots of bright colourful clothes for ourselves while Ianto had a massive tanty lol.  Kestrel was wonderful and it was so great to see her after a year or so.  Hopefully this will become a fairly regular thing because we came back refreshed and ready to go again.
We also spent a couple of days in Melbourne.  Hung out with Aunt S at the zoo and dragged Ianto all around the Aquarium before getting on the plane back home.  The small people loved seeing all the animals and fish.  The elephants and penguins were probably the favourites, although the Aslans were up there as well!

Speaking of Aslans, Ianto has an imaginary family now - a mummy Aslan, a daddy Aslan and 2 baby Aslans.  They only come out when he is feeling a bit insecure but I figure that is how he is dealing with it and it works so why argue? 


Spring has sprung yesterday - we have a clean house and a big vase of daffodils from the garden brightening up the kitchen.  The mornings are starting to be clear and bright and sunny with the promise of summer days not too far away. 

wordless wednesday a day late

random ramblings on the theme of organisation

I am not someone who really wants or needs a routine or a hell of a lot of organisation to my life.  At various times I like it - generally when there is something I look forward to coming up that I need to do something for, like Christmas, a new baby on the way, a holiday.  Ianto however does like it.  Thrives on it in fact.  It has to be flexible, but he likes predictablilty.  I struggle with finding a balance we can all enjoy. 
I am also getting the feeling that I 'should' be doing more to facilitate his learning.  Maybe this is coming from the fact that it is not that far off that I will have to register him for homeschooling?  I am feeling the need to get my head around what my approach will be...  What fits our family?  What best makes use of the resources around us?  What best facilitates the small peoples innate urge to learn? 
If any of my followers have any good blogs/links they would like to add I wouldn't argue ;)

A few of my favourite things

* warming my PJ's up on the heater on a cold night 
* Sleeping next to Anouke and smelling her sweet milky breath
* Mastering a new recipe
* Making bread - kneading, rising, kneading, baking, eating...
* Honey cinnamon roasted granny smith apples
* A good book and a cup of tea in the afternoon winter sun

The end of the year is always busy!

And this year is no exception!  August usually kicks off the busy-ness for us and it is slightly earlier than usual this year.  In a couple of weeks we are heading off to see Kestrel and her family in Lismore for 4 days and Aunty Smidge in Melbourne for 2 days.  When we return from our well earned and much anticipated holiday we have a 10 day breather before Aunty Smidge arrives back in the state for our cousins wedding and stays for a bit over a week.  My birthday, while not a milestone this year, is extra special.  I will see Aunty Smidge on my birthday as that is her last day before she heads back to Melbourne so we have a breakfast planned before she gets on the plane that afternoon.  Two days later Aunty Adie gets back from being overseas for two years.  It is the first time I have seen her on my birthday since she went to uni 5 or 6 years ago and I feel truely blessed to be able to celebrate my birthday with both sisters, even if seperately. 
Obviously Anouke doesn't remember her Aunty Adie but she was there when Anouke was born.  Anouke and Ianto do know her however due to the magic of Skype and we are all counting down until she gets back and we can spend some time with her.  We have a couple of camping trips planned and I'm sure many excursions will eventuate as well. 
Between my birthday and Christmas is just about every other birthday in the family, including mum and dad and Anouke, as well as mum and dad's wedding anniversary.  Christmas promises to be a wonderful family affair, with the whole family staying at mum and dads on Christmas eve to make the most of us all being here.  After Christmas is New Years, then Aunty Adie's birthday and then Ianto turns 5! 
Phew, its going to be chaotic, but I love the chaos of the last half of the year!

Inspired

The landscape is speaking to me at the moment.  Midwinter and it is so changeable!
Last night driving home from mum and dads as the sun went down behind the mountain.  Orange/red clouds behind the mountain, purple smudges of lower clouds and the sky so very blue behind it.  The mountains around here are so much a part of my sense of place in the world.  The only time I haven't been able to look out my windows and see mountains is when I lived overseas and I felt it at a very subconscious level.  Mount Wellington is an anchor of sorts, orientating me in the countryside, even when I am at home - a few valleys away and out of sight of it.  It is also a reminder of one of my best friends, Kestrel.  Last year when I kicked out x and needed someone to catch me, Kestrel did.  I landed in her home and soaked up the chaos and family and love there and it calmed my soul and helped smooth the way for me.  Not long after life took Kestrel and her family to another state entirely but watching the mountain and its many moods never fails to remind me of the cups of tea in her kitchen, nestled at the foot of it.
Now that we have moved back to the Huon Valley where I grew up it is the Hartz and Sleeping Beauty that I see most often.  The Hartz peeks up over the hills down river and gives an indication of the weather.  Many times I have watched the rain work its way from the Hartz and up the opposite side of the river.  Most often staying there.  There hasn't been much snow on it this year but on a crisp clear morning you can often see its white cap against the brilliant blue sky...
Sleeping Beauty dominates the landscape as you leave the Huon and was the feature of many fairy tales in my head as I grew up.  Her face can be shrouded in cloud, dusted with snow or just lying there, perfectly serene under a crystal clear sky.  She can be camoflagued against a dark grey cloud or disappear completely.  I occupied myself on many drives to town imagining different stories for her and I still catch myself doing it now.


The other thing that anchors me in the landscape is the prescence of water.  Another thing that has been a constant throughout my life has been a river near by, either the Huon or the Derwent.  The Derwent bringing a cool sea breeze on hot summer days, just when the heat becomes unbearable.  Watching the rain come across the Derwent, lightening on the opposite hills, dolphins and seals and once a labrador!  It is still a source of joy when we visit mum and dad and go down to throw rocks in the water, collect shells and smooth bits of glass, or in summer wait til the sun goes down a bit and go for a swim.
The Huon is the river of my childhood and present.  Each morning I can look out my kitchen window and see a hint of what the day might bring.  Fog often sits on the river til late in the day and sometimes around the house too.  On the days when there are just wisps of fog on the river and a frost on the lawn I know the day will be crisp and clear and beautiful.  I know as we drive into Huonville we are likely to see the river smooth as glass on days like that.  At the moment it is full, flooding some of the low lying paddocks on its banks.  It looks slow and langorous but looks are deceptive.  Underneath it is deep and the current strong.  There is a tree in the river about half way to Huonville and it has been stuck there for a couple of months now, not moving.  I find it amazing - to have not moved it must be a fairly large tree and all you can see sticking up is a single, thick branch.  Still waters do indeed run deep!

Crafty Friday

Well, it is supposed to be, but what with one thing and another getting around 10 kids aged between18 months and 7 doing anything resembling organised craft is difficult! 
We attempted it today, but it didn't happen again.  The Snowflakes and Ianto weren't getting along all that well, and various other participants slept in so in the end we spent the afternoon at the park in Huonville.  It was a good call on the part of Mrs Ogg.  Neutral territory and nothing huge in the way of arguments all afternoon.  It was every so slightly freezing for us mamas, but we dealt with it lol.

We are hoping next week to have enough people organised at the same time to take advantage of the huge amount of boxes sitting in the hall.


In the meantime, I have 10 kg of clay sitting in front of me that I am planning on using to make a scale model of the house I would like to build.  I am finding it hard to draw plans in 2 dimensions, and was planning a vision board anyway - building a scale model seems like a pretty good way to combine the two.  Having a 3D diorama of what I want should keep me in line and on the right path to achieving it I hope!

One perfect moment

I just stepped outside to grab my phone that I had left in the car yet again.  It is 10.30 at night, in July.  It is cold out there, but wow.  I had flicked on the outside light so that I could see my way to the car and normally it would have been a quick run out to the car and back to the warm house and bed but I just happened to look up.

And there I stayed.  On the deck, in my pjs, in the perfect, crisp night.  I looked up, the sky was perfectly clear - the Milky Way looking just like a splash of hot milk, the stars pin pricks, only the sounds of frogs from the dam over the back paddock to disturb the peace.  For one perfect moment I stood and soaked up the perfection and then retired back into the warm, followed by a sense of peace and calm...

Opps, its been a while!
Although there is not a lot going on.  We have found a pretty good rhythm now of days at home and days out doing things.  Trying to strike a balance between socialising and having time to regather ourselves and find our centre.  The consideration that housework needs doing occasionally comes in too, but getting on top of that is still a work in progress lol.  I'm in the process of washing the carpets and rearranging the furniture to see if I cn streamline the way we live in the house a bit more, especially as now that it is cold we are living on the inside more. 

I have started menu planning to try and get the food costs under control and it worked last fortnight.  We are heading out to the supermarket today so I'm hoping it will work again

We spent the day yesterday at Hastings Thermal Springs with some other families.  It was cold, but the pool was nice and warm.  Ianto was in with me while Mama Ogg looked after Anouke and went back in after lunch with Daddy Snow and the three snowflakes as well.  He had a wonderful time even if he did tell me through chattering teeth that he wasn't cold!  A stint in front of the open fire provided in the BBq shelter fixed that though and he spent the rest of the day running around chasing currawongs in his Spiderman dressing gown.  Anouke had a wonderful time shouting at them and despite deciding the pool was too cold tried to jump in a couple of times.  Thank goodness for having a lot of parents around to keep an eye on all the kids! 

It was a fun day and we are hoping to plan more group outings like it.  Its nice to get all the families together including fathers who are so often missing when we get together during the week as they earn the money that means the mothers can stay home.  I think it is also good for Ianto and Anouke to see fathers who are true partners to their wives and take an active role in being part of the family.

Touched out

Not a lot to report this week.  Ex has had his days off change yet again, and given that I have accomodated changes with little to no warning for the last 6 months, I have put my foot down and said that enough is enough.  I have rearranged my life and schedule enough and it isn't going to happen anymore.  Sadly this means that Ianto and Anouke don't get to see him much - they have been spending an hour or so at a park with him in the afternoon, which to be honest leaves them more upset than if they just didn't see him.  The other side affect of this is the fact that I am REALLY over being touched all. the. time.  Anouke being a bit restless on the boob I can usually handle but at the moment it drives me insane.  Ianto is actually quite even tempered, but the demands on me to get them food, get them drinks, wipe their bottoms...

It is still a million times better than being in the relationship though, so we soldier on.  I think we might try getting out of the house a bit more, go to the park a couple of times a week if the weather permits - which it has been lately.  It is cold, but not pouring all day or anything most of the time.

Planning a trip to Hastings caves soon to swim in the thermal pool with our gentle parenting/homeschooling friends which will be fun.  The last half of the year is always busy for us as all of the birthdays in the family seem to fall between the end of August and Ianto's birthday at the start of February.  That is a lot of birthdays crammed into a few months!  This year is super busy because the small people and I are planning a holiday, my cousin is getting married and then Sis is back from overseas, not to mention friends from the UK visiting Mum and Dad and Younger Sis coming home for a week and all the usual birthday/christmas stuff...  It is exhausting just thinking about it, but a very satisfying, happy exhaustion!

trying a new tack

Lately Anouke is starting to assert herself more.  She has discovered the word "no" and is not afraid to use it!  This has lead to a fair bit of conflict with her brother and a lot of shouting.  I got sick of shouting to make myself heard and really, the situation was just escalating every time I stepped in.  So I stopped stepping in.  And you know what?  They are sorting things out themselves.  There is a fair amount of screaming still, but I think they are starting to learn valuable life skills.  Things like negotiation, taking turns and respecting each others boundaries are all being learned and I'm not having to do much.  Another plus is that the laundry is getting done because I hide in the laundry when it gets too loud.
Ianto has had another developmental leap this week and can now write his name and a range of numbers.  He was very proud of his success and copied words for a whole day.  I think he is now having a processing break from writing as he works on his washing up skills.

A productive day today

Today was supposed to be craft day in the hall attached to my unit, but the vomit fest seems to have travelled around to every one else this week!  I have had a productive day anyway, got the house cleaned and vacuumed, some washing done, I have pork belly cooking slowly in the le crueset on the stove top and beef stew with lentils in the slow cooker.  The pork belly is in water with orange zest and juice, cinnamon, allspice, salt, cardomon and cloves and after it has cooked in that for a while I will stick it in the fridge to cool down overnight and tomorrow roast it in the oven for our dinner.  Will probably have some cabbage and granny smiths with it, yum....
Anouke is officially out of night nappies at the ripe old age of 18 months - for ages she was waking up in a dry nappy and I got sick of giving myself more washing lol.  Ianto has finally - at the ripe old age of 4 - done the same thing, so no more night nappy washing for me!  Unfortunately Anouke hasn't yet figured out that wee belongs in the potty even though she is aware of needing to wee and can hold on so I spend a fair bit of time cleaning up messes but it could be worse.
After looking at my finances and doing up a budget I have discovered it should be fairly easy for me to save enough over the next 5 years - if I leave my money in a couple of term deposits - for me to be able to buy a block of land outright.  It is a dream of mine to be able to build a little cob house for myself and the small people and being able to do it without getting the banks involved would be brilliant.  It is going to be hard enough getting planning permission to build with cob, I doubt very much a bank would be willing to give me finance for it!

Sunshine!

After a rude awakening this morning to find only half the money there should have been in my bank account I got great news from a friend so the day is looking up!  Today will involve tidying up, tackling Mount Washmore which seems to have multiplied exponentially after the gastro attack, vacuuming out the old car and putting it on the side of the road for sale, going to the park, picking up a friend who is visiting from Sydney, dropping the kids at my parents house, going out to dinner with said friend and then staying the night at my parents house to save driving all the way back here and then all the way back to their house again tomorrow!
It will be a bit of an experiment with Anouke - it will be the first time I have left her with anyone at night time ever.  I think she will be ok, I'll give her a big feed before I leave and we are only having an early dinner (32 wks pregnant and single mother of 2 does not for a long evening make rofl) so she should be fine.  I think I will have more trouble with it than she will!  Ianto loves staying at my parents house so I know he will be fine.
Very unexciting really!  I didn't think my life was that busy until I tried to make time to see a friend and it was hugely difficult to find an appropriate time!

Sharing is caring

But not always!  Anouke very generously decided that she shouldn't be the only one unable to keep anything down so Ianto and I spent last night very uncomfortably.  In the end I brought a mattress out to the lounge and we all camped there.  I seem to have got off lighter than the small people - probably because I saw that water made them vomit so I avoided it.  A glass of warm water with a tsp of honey and a tsp of acv instead in tiny tiny sips seems to have helped hugely.
Ianto is still detirmined to go to visit his dad today so I'll drive up very slowly and then Anouke and I will hang out at mum and dads for the day.  Sadly today was the date of my first doula clients blessingway which I will have to miss - I'm fairly certain giving your pregnant client gastro is not a good plan!  We will catch up next week , but there is something special about a blessingway and the energy that is present that I love to share and am sad to be unable to do that.
I also have another job developing which is exciting.  Over the last few weeks I have been spending evenings editing a new online magazine - Whole Woman.  It is due for launch on Tuesday, so it has been all hands on deck to get the layout right, edit all the articles, and get it looking beautiful!  I'll post a link when it is launched - the first edition is free :D

Suicidal Wattlebirds

After a long, disgusting night cleaning up the result of Anouke getting a gastro type bug we were out of bed (I can't quite classify it as awake lol) at 4 this morning.  It was misty - we could barely see the poplar trees on the back fence!  As it got lighter I could hear the birds start to sing, magpies, a kookaburra, butcher birds and lots and lots of wattlebirds.  Three times I heard the thump of birds hitting the french doors or kitchen window.  After the third time I thought it was more than slightly strange, and looked out to wee all the birds I could hear on my back deck!  I managed to count at least 15 wattlebirds all collecting nectar from the oak tree and occasionally hitting my windows.  It felt a little like a Hitchcock movie with all the birds looking at me through the windows!
We left the house at 11 still shrouded in fog to see Nan and Dad for lunch as we usually do on Wednesdays, although Ianto is usually with his dad.  It was nice for Nan to see Ianto and he was very calm and co operative, evidence that the GaPS is working!
After picking up my new glasses on the way home we went to the park in Cygnet which is bordered by two rivulets and a bird reserve and ran into Aunt Farmer which was lovely :D  we also went for a walk along the path to drop rocks in one of the rivulets which was perfectly still.  It was a lovely end to the day.

up early again...

We have a busy day ahead of us today.  Gytha Ogg and her hubby have a monthly brunch at their house and are hosting their first Tasmanian brunch so we are heading off to that in the morning and then heading to Mum and Dads for late lunch.  I have to make some pikelets to take with us to the Ogg's and somewhere in there drop some books in to my client who is due to birth soon.  Phew!

Our favourite pikelets at the moment are banana, honey and cashew.  I'm in love with my food processor and use it so much that I never put it away at the moment and this is one of the many uses it has.  Making pikelets is as easy as throwing in 3 frozen bananas, whizzing them up a bit, adding honey, self raising flour, a couple of eggs and a handful of cashews, hitting the on button and adding milk as it whizzes until it is the right consistency.  Hey Presto!  Sadly these pikelets won't last much longer as the flour and milk in them makes them not suitable for GaPS and the flour is nearly all gone, but I'm sure I can make a substitute.

Last night Anouke fall asleep in the clothes she had been wearing all day - eg none, not even a nappy.  She was very asleep, not even wanting booby when I moved her into bed which is unusual for her so I put the waterproof sheet under her and hoped for the best - here it is 12 hours later and she is dry, my bed is dry.  she has been having dry nights for a while so I was fairly confident but it is pretty cool all the same!  I don't know if this will continue on to being able to wee in the potty this morning as up til now she has just sat on the potty without doing anything and then wee'd somewhere else, but hey, a dry bed is nothing to sneeze at!

the first frost and monster cups of tea.

Awoke this morning before the small people who are both impressively snotty to watch the mist move down the river and make my self a monster cup of tea in what my family knows as the "Dada cup".  I'm onto my second now after wandering out to the letter box and discovering evidence that this morning was officially freezing.
The plans for today did include an op shopping trip to town with Gytha Ogg and her small people but due to the huge amount of snot between the four small people that plan was aborted in favour of Staying At Home in Pyjamas.  Or if you are Ianto and Anouke Staying At Home Naked.  Thankfully this house is easy to heat so they are warm.
Anouke has had a growth spurt and suddenly grown out of her trousers and gotten too tall to walk under the kitchen table which has resulted in bumped heads and cold ankles.  Tomorrow when Ianto is at his dad's house I will make the most of it and head to the op shops to try and find some winter clothes that fit Anouke.  There is a significant enough size difference between the two of them that she has grown into Ianto's clothes from a few summers ago - not so handy when it is heading into winter!
Ianto seems to have had a growth spurt as well and is all long limbs and huge paws.  Slightly uncoordinated, but adorable at the same time.  We are slowly getting into the GaPS diet and using up the left over "illegal" food from before.  Carb cravings setting in for Ianto and I which I am attempting to curb with protein...
So today will be a day of sorting out Anouke's clothes, trying to get some washing done and generally pottering around while drinking cups of tea.  Not an exciting day, but one that will be lovely and relaxing I hope!

A year ago...

One year ago today I was preparing to head to a friends blessingway for the weekend.
One year ago today I was telling x that he had until I got back on Sunday to find somewhere else to live.
One year ago today I gathered the support of my community around me.
One year ago today I drove away from my old life and towards my new one.
One year ago today I found strength, I found courage, I found myself.

This year I have paid off debts accumulated through 2 abusive relationships. I have made errors of judgement but realised before it was too late. I have taken steps towards living my authentic life. I have started healing myself and my children. This year I look out over paddocks and the river drenched in sun, wispy white clouds in the sky and I feel that I am home. I hear the occasional car drive past, the kookaburras, my children playing happily and the peace of the country and I feel that I am home. I tidy the house and prepare lunch for friends and feel I am home. I have surrounded myself with friends and family and am supported and nourished by the solidarity of my community and the chaos that is a tribe of families with children.

One year on, I am happy and at peace for the first time in my life.

My First Mothers Day

As a single mother anyway ;)  And so far I have to say it has been the best.  I'm up before the small people so I have a few minutes quiet to my self.  In a minute I am going to have a shower and clean up the living area before my parents and grandparents come for a roast dinner.  Mum and Dad are bringing my new car with them which is exciting - and means I'll have to clean out the old car too rofl.
I chose the car on Friday, and that meant leaving the kids with a friend while I did it.  No biggie for Ianto as he has been in day care a lot, but it was only the second time I've left Anouke for more than a couple of hours.  Of course she was fine, she is very used to Mama Snowflake and the little Snowflakes and only had a small time of being upset which was fixed with cuddles.  She did welcome the boobies back with open arms though!
I'm off to have a nice hot shower before the small people wake up :)

This is the view out the french doors and over the deck.  How's the serenity?!  I had planned to put a couple more photos up, but the internet connection is sllloooowwww so I can't be bothered!
The hill in the distance is over the other side of the river, not far from where I grew up.  It is lovely and quiet here - apart from the odd car on the highway most of the time the only sounds are natural.
It is starting to get colder here now, especially at night when crawling into a big bed between two warm little bodies has definite advantages!  Wind and rain and wearing scarves to the park :)
Now that we are out of quarantine we are getting into a rhythm of social activities and outings.  Planned things on Mondays and every other Tuesdays and a couple of other things that happen on various days every week. We are in the process of organising a big group trip down to Hastings to use the pool in a few weeks with some other families which should be fun.  In the mean time we make stuff, jump on the new trampoline (beebee if you are Anouke), run around and wander through our days in a pretty mellow kind of way.  It is pretty safe to say that I am happier now than I have been in a long time :)

Phew!

Wow - its been a while and a lot has happened.  Within a couple of days of moving out of the old house and into Mum and Dad's spare room I was accepted for a place in Cradoc.  More specifically, a one bedroom unit built on to the back of the old community hall.  It has a LOVELY kitchen with lots of bench space, a huge back yard and the community hall for the small people to play in if outside isn't suitable.
It feels like coming home.  This is a much better size house for us.  Our beds are all in the one room squished together for optimal snuggling during the cold nights - by the time I go to bed Ianto and Anouke are usually already asleep and I crawl into a warm, milky nest and snuggle in with a book listening to their snuffles.  Bliss.  The Hall is the ultimate playroom and we will be hosting playgroup meetings there soon.  Sadly just after moving in Anouke got chicken pox, so we have been in quarantine for a while waiting for  that to pass which ends now so we can be back socialising again.
We have started transitioning to the GaPS diet too - slowly using up all the non allowed foods and replacing them with stuff that is allowed.  I can already see a difference in Ianto and feel better myself.

Ianto has started to develop writing and it is really interesting to watch it change and grow.  If he is doing it independently it is lines of 'o' and 'l' but he can copy letters and words, as evidenced by the double labels on a lot of the boxes we brought with us!
Anouke is starting to talk more and more. Mama actually refers to me now!  She is developing preferences for things (like her gumboots) and likes to chose her own clothes which has resulted in some fun combinations.  She is starting to grow up too and already reaches Ianto's shoulder!

Sadly I left my camera at Mum and Dad's house over the weekend, but when I get it back I will be uploading some photos of our little idyll in the country :)

Changes changes everywhere...

Wow, I have finally had a day where I didn't have any commitments!  It has been the first time in over a week where I haven't had to be doing one thing or another and all three of us are feeling much better for it.  We had a lazy morning, checked my blogs, watched a bit of tv, did some washing..  Nothing too ground breaking.  Ianto is really responding to the lack of stress today - playing independently a lot with his lego and just generally outside in the sun.  Anouke has had a proper sleep in a proper bed (very unusual for her) and picked some unripe tomatoes - which we won't tell Mum about!  Dinner is marinating in the fridge so doesn't need to be thought about and all in all it has been a very relaxing day.
While Anouke was having a sleep, Ianto asked me how bees make honey.  My response to that couple of days ago would have been to tell him I didn't know and to leave me alone but today I suggested we go and find out.  So we trooped inside to the computer and watched a couple of youtube videos about how bees make honey and now we know!  Ianto can even tell you if you ask him!  Natural learning at its best :D

Been a bit quiet

Mostly because all that we have been doing is packing and cleaning and looking for a house.  That is right - with 6 days to go we still don't have a house to move into, which is kind of a lot depressing and stressful.  We are reduced to looking at tiny places that will do in the short term but I wouldn't want to live in them long term at all! My long term plan has changed due to this difficulty.  My original 5 year plan was to rent and save up a deposit so that I could buy my own land and build my own house (I'll blog about my dream house another day).  Now I've decided that I'll get what I can at the moment and save like buggery for 6 months and then use the Homeshare or Streets Ahead program to buy a house with help from the state government.  I'll stay in that house  for a while (hoping it will appreciate in value, but at the same time getting myself a history with a mortgage) and then sell it and move onto my land/building dreams.  Still 5 years or so down the track, but just a different way of getting there.

So I'm diving back into house hunting and will be back later with more updates.

Still packing, still waiting

Waiting for a lot of things - one of which is for the small people to get tired so we can go to bed!  At the moment they are still running around chasing each other.  I'm quite tired from spending long days sorting and cleaning and parenting and would be happily in bed now if I had my way...

We looked at another house in Huonville this morning with a lovely big backyard, counter acted by the tiny bathroom lol.  But a lovely place and I can see us living there, so I applied and now we just wait til at least Monday to find out!

This house has an open home on Saturday, and someone coming to view it tomorrow so I'm constantly trying to keep on top of it.  Its not too bad at the moment - the only thing I desperately need to do tomorrow is tidy the play room and outside, the rest of the house just needs a quick vacuum and tidy.

packing

That is pretty much what I have been up to for the last few days...  we now have only the playroom, bedroom, laundry (sigh) and a few bits and pieces we need to live in the lounge and kitchen to go.  The spare room is packed with  boxes and bags of stuff which I'm going to have to tidy a bit before the open home on Saturday (did I mention the owner has decided to sell?) and the garden has been attacked...  Only a few bits of weeding and pruning the roses to take care of now.  I am looking at the house that showed up online on Friday night on Wednesday morning but have already called the real estate agent to submit my application sight unseen.  Here's hoping we get this one!

The weather has significantly cooled down in in the last couple of days so I'm off to light the fire in the hopes that some washing will get dry!

Back to the drawing board

Well, I found out yesterday that we didn't get the house.  I guess that means it wasn't for us, so I'm moving on to the next one.  Strangely, a very similar one in the same area but cheaper showed up on the real estate site later last night - could it be a sign?  Who knows, will check it out on Monday :)

Yesterday was a big day - my lovely friends came over and helped me tackle more of the packing and sorting.  Mama Owlet and Unhindered applied themselves to the kitchen and got the vast majority of it done while myself, Dragonfly and Wanderlust sorted clothes.  We ended up with 7 garbage bags full of stuff to get rid of!  Later Geminy arrived and packed books while I sorted paper work and linen and then we tackled the garden and managed to get a fair chunk of that done too.  Geminy and Matangi will be here tomorrow too to really get into the garden.

Ianto and Anouke were exhausted by the end of the day, and there was many a melt down but an early night for us all fixed that.  Today I have a garage sale to deal with, so should start getting some of the stuff out of the shed!  My mum is taking Ianto for me so that he doesn't see people taking our stuff away and then we are heading down to my parents for dinner as tomorrow they will be cruising the Huon river with my grandfather who has now been in Australia for 60 years!

Still waiting

Still no word from the real estate agent about my application.  I ended up calling them in the afternoon and was told that the application is with the owner, so we are getting there.  I don't like waiting though!  I want to know and be able to start getting the move organised or look for some where else!

I spoke to my current property manager yesterday and the owner of this house has decided to sell it so a real estate agent came through to start organising an open home etc.  I'll be really glad when this unsettled period is over.

waiting waiting waiting...

Still waiting to hear back from the Real Estate agents, have managed to sort a lot of stuff out and have a lot to sell in the garage sale.  I'm taking a little break at the moment as Anouke has a snooze on my lap.  Working my way through the lounge room and have a fair bit of it done - I've decided to get rid of all my cooking magazines seeing as I never look at them and they way a tonne, as well as cook books I don't use and other books I don't read.  It feels great to have a growing pile of things that I don't need anymore and can potentially be sold.  It is quite liberating.
Looking at Anouke passed out on my lap, I can see that her hair (which although fine usually puffs up to an impressive degree) is actually quite long.  In these quiet moments I can smooth it down, work out the dreadlocks and small tangles, twist the little curls at the back of her neck around my finger.  I can gaze on the curve of her cheeks, impressively plump with strong muscles from breastfeeding as well as her delicious chub.  I can admire her eyelashes, not as long as her brothers, but a dark smudge that emphasises the translucence of her eyelids.  Her plump hands, with thier delicate bone structure almost hidden underneath the chubbiness which is such a feature of her.  Her fingers are long and she has inherited my grandmothers long, flexible thumb that can bend far enough to touch her wrist and often gets caught in the sleeves of her clothes.  She still has a most impressive paunch, enhanced by her birthmark - a brown patchiness that bisects her belly in a neat line at her naval and continues around to cover a bit of her back and down her leg to her foot - and which gets caught quite regularly on things when she tries to climb down off high surfaces like couches and tables, leaving her dangling by her belly with her feet pointing as her toes endeavour to reach the ground.  Her bottom  has become a distinct part of her rather than melding fairly seamlessly with her thighs and is incredibly squeezable.  It still wobbles delightfully as she runs around the house chasing her brother and inviting people to chase her.  As she runs she still has her little bowed legs a long way apart, partly to give her a good solid base of support and partly because of the cloth nappies she wears - although it is still very evident when she is nappy free!  She has inherited an interesting mix of feet - long and delicate bone structure like my mother and sister, with a long second toe, but her big toe is again all my grandmother.  Passed down through my father to myself and now my daughter this toe sticks up, almost involuntarily a lot of the time leading shoes to mold and wear out in odd places.  When I carry her on my back I can tell when she is asleep not only from her relaxing and breathing changes, but also because her big toe goes from sticking up in the air to being relaxed and in a resting state.

Getting rid of stuff

So in the end I decided to do a drive around some of the other places yesterday that fit the criteria and see if I could get an idea of what they were like from the outside.  Most of them were ok, but not great - including the one we could see inside.  The were all in blocks and didn't have yards, something which increases the stress level of living in them!  The one we looked in was lovely inside and would have worked for us, but not having a yard would have meant having to keep an eye on Ianto every time he went outside.  Not fun for anyone.  It would also have made the trampoline impossible to have at our place.

One however was in Huonville.  There were no pictures on the internet listing so I was prepared for it to be quite bad but it was lovely!  A 2 bedroom unit with an enclosed backyard and close to everything, pool, PCYC, supermarket, library...  Huonville is a good position for us too as it is about half way (time wise more than distance wise) between where Ianto and Anouke's dad lives, where my family live, and the school they are enrolled in.  I'm calling as soon as the real estate agent opens tomorrow morning to arrange an appointment to view it and apply for it.  Fingers crossed we can get it!

house hunting

I hate house hunting.  Especially with such restricted resources.  For us to be able to get a place we can afford we are are looking at tiny flats or the middle of nowhere.  I must say the one in the middle of nowhere is lovely, HOWEVER it is in the middle of nowhere...  Not far from the school Ianto is enrolled in, but it is isolated with no neighbours close by etc.  I found 4 places worth looking at, and to be honest most of them are borderline.

On the plus side the local wholefoods co op opens on Wednesday, so I'm hoping we will be able to save some money on decent food there.  

So I'm having a cup of tea in the sun and trying to get enthusiastic about looking at a tiny flat which is the only open house today.  Shopping needs to be done, house needs cleaning and  decluttering needs doing.   Hoping the cuppa provides some motivation...

Trust

Anouke and I attended a rally today in support of birth choices.  Certain changes the Australian Government is making in its Maternity Services Review basically mean that if women want a homebirth in the future they are most likely going to need the permission of an obstrician or their GP.  EXCUSE ME?  I will need permission to decide where and when (as in a hospital you are likely to be induced for any number of reasons) I use MY uterus and MY vagina to give birth?  Last time I checked I lived in a country where women supposedly had equal rights...  And last time I checked bodily autonomy was a basic human right...

I am not eloquent when I rant, so I'll leave that there.  I feel I have turned a bit of a corner with the housing dramas.  A friend has loaned me some money so that I can get rid of the debts hindering my applications, mum and dad have offered to help me out with a bond and if I have to pay two lots of rent for a while (which is a distinct possibility).  Another friend and her husband are coming up tomorrow with gardening implements to help me get the garden under control, and I have plans with other friends to get things packed up etc.  All that remains is to find a house to live in!  It is proving difficult to find one that I can afford, but I'm trying to trust that it will all fall into place.  I have a 3 weeks and 5 days left in this house, so really need to get organised!  I'm hoping to have a garage sale in a couple of weeks when mum and dad can look after Ianto for me and hopefully get rid of some crap and make a bit of cash.  Its scary to think that in a bit over 3 weeks we could be homeless, but I'm sure it will all fall into place, as I said, I just need to trust...

Days go by...

Had a minor meltdown yesterday - the spot I'm in at the moment just seems so overwhelming and a bit at the mercy of others.  I can't do x until y has happened, but y can't happen til z happens...  I did get some stuff done, talked to the Tenants Union to ensure I know what is going on with that me leaving here as my property manager can be a bit tricky to deal with.  Wrote a letter to my local MP telling him about the lack of facilities for helping people in tricky situations in Tasmania - on the big island I would have 3 or 4 avenues of support and help, here I have basically nothing...  Called the child support agency to see what is going on there - nothing apparently.  Still waiting to hear back from a real estate agent about a house to look at though.  I hate it when people don't return my calls, very unprofessional.
A friend is coming over today with her three kids for a play and a chat, a good enough friend that I don't feel the need to frantically clean up either lol.  Will be nice to see her as I haven't seen her since christmas time.  The small people will have a good time too, immersing myself in some chaos will be nice for a while.  I'll also be trying to get on top of some research into some of the dietary stuff the nutritionist recommended at some point, particularly phenols, what they are in and the affect they have...

Just another quiet Sunday at Mum and Dad's house.  We didn't get there until nearly midday because the small people didn't wake up til 9 and by the time we had breakfast, got showered, bathed and dressed it was quite late.  Dad and I disappeared for a while to pick up a trampoline I scored for free, unfortunately it has no padding over the springs, so it is under the deck until I can find some padding and a net to go around it.  Shouldn't be too hard, but its annoying to have a trampoline sitting under the deck that I can't use, ahem, that the small people can't use...
Mum's parents dropped in as they do every other Sunday and we sat out on the patio with a cup of tea.  At one point Anouke (who had been asleep on the couch inside) woke up and Dad brought her outside and she fell asleep on his lap again.  Not something she does very often at all!  And defintely not something she does with me, as if she is on my lap she can smell milk and thinks she is hungry!

Ianto was great today.  A lot calmer than usual and a lot less argumentative.  I have been playing a game with him where I catch him as he runs past and hold onto him and tickle him as he tries to escape - the Occupational Therapist recommended games like that to enable him to work off his excess energy and work out some of the sensory information that would otherwise overload him.  Combined with the small changes we have made to his diet (making sure he gets breakfast, no more bread) and our environment (having the play room organised) he was a different boy today.  I am under no illusions that we have found a miracle cure, but step by step we are getting there...

Lists, Lists, Lists...

After our appointments yesterday with the Occupational therapist and nutritionist we have some big changes to make.  The biggest being changing our diet  utilise the GaPS diet.  It is a fairly drastic change for us, and we will all do it, much easier to stop Ianto having 'illegal' foods if they just aren't in the house!
I also realised that we need to move.  I had planned on staying here another year, but with increased medical costs for Ianto, plus paying for studying, plus trying to get rid of debt we just can't afford it.
So I am going to be making lots of lists...  foods to phase out before we do the intro diet, stuff to get rid of so we can move to a smaller place, stuff to keep, things to do to make moving possible...  If I'm honest lists are just my way of procrastinating while seeming to be productive, but i'm sticking with it...

Baby steps

I was inordinately happy this evening because I managed to trick Ianto into taking his supplements - I mixed them into hot chocolate and put it in a sippy cup so he wouldn't smell anything.
He drank it!  I was so proud I rang mum and dad lol.  Tomorrow are the appointments with the occupational therapist and nutritionist, so a big day!
I tried to use mybudget.com.au to get some help with my finances today too.  That was a big fat bust.  Apparently because my fixed costs (rent and the rental payments for my computer) are 47% of my income their budget program can't find a workable solution.  Well duh is all I have to say to that.  Why did they think I was asking for help?!  So I'm rethinking my options.  My major cost at the moment is rent.  I can see two ways to reduce that - move in with mum and dad for a while, or get public housing...  Neither prospect is all that appealing if I'm honest, but the rent is one thing I can change and I have to do that...

On the plus side, mum told me this afternoon that my sister Rose has booked her flights back to Australia for the end of the year which has made me very excited and happy!

One down...

We had our first appointment with one of Ianto's 'treatment team' yesterday - our naturopath.  After asking a lot of questions (which I found helpful too as it clarified a lot of stuff for me as well) we settled on some fish oils and a product called Intestamine to help his digestive system.  The Intestamine has stuff like aloe vera, slipperly elm and glutamine in it.  Now I just have the problem of getting them into him!
Today we have an appointment with the GP to finalise referrals and then a day off tomorrow while Ianto is at his dads and the Occupational Therapist and Nutritionist on Friday...

Off for lunch with Nan today!

Just seriously for a moment

I often find it difficult to articulate why I hate pron, why it is wrong.  This sums it up pretty well for me.
I hate that it is so hard to explain the patriarchy to people sometimes because it is so very deeply ingrained in every part of society.

I'll be a post feminist in a post patriarchy.

Local Celebrity...

Last night we attended the final night of the local regatta with the Owlets.  The final night of the regatta involves a concert and fireworks, and Daddy Owlet was singing so we went along to support him and have a nice evening by the water.

During Daddy Owlet's set there were lots of kids running around and Ianto was running around with the 2 little owlets and some others.  After  Daddy Owlet was the Army Band.  Most of the small people sat down, but not Ianto.  He disappeared down to an old slip and promptly slipped on the algae and got a dirty wet bum.  So we headed back to the Owlets and took his pants off.  Step one on the route to local celebrity - be dressed in nothing but undies.

The Army Band was loud, which bothered Ianto a bit (I've spoken before about his sensitivity to loud noises) but after hiding under a blanket for a while he was off again.  Just playing on the steps and hanging on the hand rail to start with.  Then Anouke took off in the same direction and I went to get her back.  Ianto thought I was coming to get him and here comes Step Two - run away from your mother in a situation where she needs you to stay close and not a) interfere with the show about a hundred other people are watching and b) fall in the river.

Just as he ran away the Army band started a new song.  The Theme from Mission:Impossible.  I kid you not. In the quiet just before the song I saw him make a break for it and called out for him to come back.  Then the music started and he was off, accompanied by laughter and clapping from the crowd.  I gave Anouke to Mama Owlet and followed.  Somehow the ensueing chase managed to be in time with the music.  Ianto was loving it because he could hear the crowd laughing and in a few cases cheering for him.  I must admit it was kind of funny and I had a hard time keeping the smile of my face.

Both small people loved the fireworks.  Anouke was quite tired by that time, and ready for some booby and a sleep, but every time a firework went off she would stop and gaze at them.  On the way back to the car we had three or four times when people stopped Ianto to tell him how great he was.  One teenagers said to me "Aren't you going to discipline him?!"  Ummm, no!  We talked about not running away from me at the time and he got it and stayed close for the rest of the night, why should I punish him for just being 4?

All in all it was a great night and we had a wonderful time with the Owlets.  I took home two very tired small people and got a solid nights sleep as Anouke didn't even wake up for her feed at around 3am like she usually does.

This week is the start of our appointments for Ianto.  Today we head to the naturopath, tomorrow afternoon it is off the the GP to make sure all the referrals are in order to get the most possible covered by Medicare and on Friday we have the 2 big ones, the Occupational Therapist and nutritionist.  Here's to hoping that it is all worth it and has some positive results!

Studying again!

I have taken the plunge and enrolled in a doula course through Childbirth International.  I spent a lot of time yesterday studying (which is why there was no post!) and it felt really good.  Using my brain and learning more about something I am passionate about.  I hope to add Childbirth Educator, Post Partum Doula and Breastfeeding Counsellor to my qualifications over the next year or so too.  

So I'm feeling a bit more positive about everything now, I feel like I'm making steps.  

This is a big week for us - we have 3 appointments for Ianto which are all assessment ones so a few big days lined up...  I am hoping we get some answers and positive steps to take out of it.

The school we are enrolled in has postponed their opening for the year as he building work they are doing (the commercial kitchen, which is a vital part of the school) isn't finished which has given us a bit of leeway to get everything a bit more settled.

We are off to mum and dad's today for our usual Sunday, a quiet one with nothing in particular planned :)

An unexpectedly busy day!

Thursdays are always busier than other days.  It is the day that Ianto goes to visit his father, and the day that Amber and her daughters come to visit.  Yesterday Amber bought me a care package of food that was totally unexpected but, as you can probably imagine, gratefully recieved given the amount of bills I have next week!  A fridge full of fresh vegies and staples like brown rice, pasta and milk mean that I can go longer with out shopping and still feed my family healthy, filling food.  Then after I had collected Ianto I got a phone call from Jerry, a friend I met through an x and I haven't seen for over a year.  He took us out for dinner and ice cream and we ended up playing in the park til it got dark.  We all had a wonderful time.  It isn't something we get to do very often, and with someone like Jerry who doesn't mind chasing after the kids every once in a while it is actually fun!
By the time we got home the small people were zonked, but cos they had a nap in the car thought they weren't...  Anouke started her walking around and around and around thing - circuits of the coffee table until she is exhausted and Ianto collapsed on the couch watching a movie.  After Jerry left and I got Anouke asleep, I came out to the lounge to discover Ianto passed out on the couch!

We also had a sleep walking episode where Ianto went to the toilet by himself but then headed into the lounge instead of the bedroom and then woke up there.  He was understandably scared waking up in the dark lounge room rather than his warm bed and needed rescuing!

feeling blah...

Sigh.  this coming fortnight is going to suck.  Internet bill is due (and expensive *blush*), D has three appointments that are expensive because they are assessment appointments ($60+$170+$70) and that leaves us with NOTHING.  The rent will be paid, there will be food (although we may need to go to the salvos for help there...) and there will be power, but it sucks still.
I am discovering that I am way too used to getting instant gratification.  I KNOW that in six months time we will be out of debt and things will start being easier, but in the meantime this sucks.  I can't do anything about my debt this week because all the money is going on medical stuff which is annoying.  I need a new vacuum cleaner cos mine doesn't suck properly anymore, and I want to do my Childbirth Education/Doula course now rather than in 6 months time.  I have been putting it off for way too long.  I have wanted to do it since before Anouke was even thought of, so way over 2 years, but because x always spent the money on pot and crap we never had any money spare for it.  Even when we got the baby bonuses when the small people were born.  Sucks, sucks, sucks.
And because I felt like crap yesterday the house is a mess cos I couldn't be bothered cleaning it up.

On the plus side in an effort to do something positive instead of just wallowing in feeling crap I opened a new savings account with higher interest and have committed to putting money in there, even if it is only $1 a fortnight.  I realised (with a bit of help from mum) that I can talk to the student union at the uni about doing some typing work for students.  There are options available.  I also decided that I will start doing my course,  I can pay for it in monthly installments so one fortnight will pay for the course and the other will pay off my debts.  The debts will take a bit longer to pay off this way, but I will be doing something for myself that I have been wanting to for ages, so I'm hoping that will help keep me on track.

There's the green sheep!

Mum and Dad came over yesterday to not celebrate Ianto's birthday.  It was a quiet enough day until my grandparents dropped in.  That was enough people to tip him over the edge and into tantrum territory.  He ended up in the bedroom having quiet time watching something on the computer.  He came out as they were leaving for some reason and mmy grand father made the mistake of looking at him.  Sigh.  Cue tantrum and grandfather standing there looking at him which of course only made it worse.  Mum and my grandmother telling him and telling him to leave Ianto alone and nothing sinking in *rolleyes*.  In the end I had to pick Ianto up and take him hysterical to his room.  I knew there was a reason we didn't do a birthday party for him.  On the up side the Green Sheep cake he requested came out awesome!

Ianto ended the day by scaling the back fence and visiting the neighbours.  I had no idea until they bought him back...  Looks like I'll need a 6 foot fence to keep him in...

Ianto turns 4 on Monday...

He wanted a Green Sheep cake, and a Green Sheep cake I made.  Feeling a little proud of myself.  His favourite book when he was tiny, and Anouke's favourite book now, is "Where is the Green Sheep?" by Mem Fox.  Its a lovely book that ends with finding the green sheep fast asleep.  Which is just what my small people are doing right now - both of them draped over various couches while I watch "Transamerica".

Tomorrow we have a quiet birthday celebration planned.  Ianto requested just the cake with his grandparents, so they are coming up for dinner, and bringing the paddling pool as it is going to be 33 C tomorrow.  My grandparents are also dropping in as they do every couple of weeks when they are in town, but as Ianto doesn't like birthday parties and has specifically requested not to have one there will be no singing or other party stuff.  Just a quiet day pottering at home :)

AAAAANNNNDDD, we're back...

Turning the computer off is good for my family, I'm gonna try and stick more to turning it off while they are awake.  Over the last few days I managed to clean and reorganise the playroom, loungeroom and kitchen and keep them tidy!  We went opshopping during the weekend and found a table - just big enough for us three and exactly the right size to make a dining space in the lounge room.  I ended up getting new chairs to go with it as I couldn't find any suitable ones (aka, ones not likely to break under the onslaught of a certain 4 year old...) but they were only $20 each so the whole dining setting cost a grand total of $100 - the same I would have paid for a complete second hand one!
Having a tidy playroom, set meals and a tidy living area has made a huge difference for all of us.  Ianto is much happier this week.  If I manage to keep on top of his blood sugar levels (starting the day with porridge is vital!) then we generally have a very even day with no tantrums.  He will even help me tidy up at the end of the day!
Which leads me to another big thing for me, I have been making sure I tidy up at the end of the day, wash up, get toys out of the lounge, quick sweep and vacuum.  Makes a huge difference to how I feel in the morning and makes getting proper food into Ianto much easier too.  Anouke is loving all the open space and being able to walk around without tripping over stuff.  Apparently habits take 21 days to form, so I am trying my darnedest to keep this up for that long in an attempt to make it something I don't have to think about!

another enforced break!

As the charger for my laptop is broken and I have to wait for a new one to be delivered...

but until then - I have been giving Ianto porridge for breakfast and the difference is staggering.  From the uncontrollable tantrum over minigolf after nutrigrain, to the boy who happily shared the digger at the park and even helped the girl figure out how to use it and then played happily with her!  Even when it was time to leave there was minimal complaining!  I was gobsmacked.
We have also seen our lovely GP and now know how to go about getting a plan in place to start taking it further.  So progress is being made, and I'm feeling good about it.

Hopefully my new charger will be here early next week and I can get back into it again :)

More camping!

On the second day all the various small people were a bit over it.  One family decided to go home that day instead of staying the 2 nights, and 2 others went for drives in the morning so that their small people would sleep!  Ianto, Anouke and I played a round of mini golf with the family that was leaving that ended in a most spectacular tantrum from Ianto because one of the children hit her ball before he hit his...  On the upside, it was another puzzle piece for me because I could see the difference between him having porridge for breakfast like he does when we are home and having nutrigrain for breakfast like he did that morning!  In the end Ianto, Anouke and I retreated back to the camp ground and stoked our fire and hung out there for a bit.  Cooked some sausages on sticks over the fire, Anouke had a snooze...  Every one calmed down and recentred themselves.

After Anouke woke up and we had had lunch we went back to the trampoline for a while, discovering a few jack jumper nests on the way!  If they didn't pack a horrible bite I'd like the little buggers more lol.  The way they rush out the defend their nest at the slightest sign of intrusion, well, I can relate to that a bit ;)  Fairly soon the families who had gone for a drive came back and Ianto disappeared with the older children to find more swings and trampolines and other fun stuff while I stayed behind with Anouke and 2 other mamas with smaller children - one 3 weeks older than Anouke and one 7 months old.  It was lovely to just be able to sit and have a chat and a cup of tea for once!  Eventually Ianto decided he wanted another boat ride, so I left Anouke with the other families again and went out in a canoe.  Ianto had a good paddle before he decided he was too tired and STARVING so I had better take us back lol.  I love knowing that I can leave Anouke with my friends like that and if she wants boob or gets upset they will be willing and able to breast feed her or offer her the same sorts of comfort I would.  Over the weekend she did get fed by another mama and now has a special bond with her.  There are only a few people who get kisses from Anouke at this stage, and this mama is the only non family member to be elevated to such high status.
After cooking hamburgers on the BBQ and Anouke and Ianto getting thoroughly blackened from playing in the black sand I gave them a quick shower and got them into their PJ's in preperation for operation toasted marshmallows.  We headed up to one of the cabins and 7 small people and 8 big people commenced marshmallow toasting.  The small people lost interest fairly early on, which was more left for us!
Most of the families left once thier small people started to get cranky and tired, but we hung out with another family whose children are late to bed for a while until the running around got a bit manic at which point I decided it was time to head back to camp for some calming down time!
Once stories were done, both small people were asleep within minutes - unsurprisingly!  I didn't have such a restful night however as there was a thunderstorm which was very impressive, but made it hard to sleep!

Ianto was ready to go home as soon as he woke up in the morning - he migrated straight from the tent to his car seat!
Both of them were asleep in the car before too long so I drove straight through to home.  It was good to be home and have a nice long hot shower and just sit for a little while!

The weekend was great, and has inspired me to save up for our own camping equipment so that we can do it more often.  Both small people thrived on it, even if we were all exhausted!

Camping Trip

Been quiet here over the weekend as we went camping!  We had a wonderful time, and it is def something we will be doing again.  We left early Friday morning and headed out, Anouke fell asleep in the car which helped, but we still stopped at about halfway for a leg stretch and some breakfast as Ianto had been so eager to get going that he refused to eat breakfast!
We arrived at the campsite fairly early and set up the tent then wandered up to the lake for a look.  After trying to go for a boat ride and Anouke being terrified and Ianto falling in we decided that the boat would have to wait until our friends arrived and could look after Anouke for us, so we headed to the playground and then up to the shop for ice cream.  The camp ground also has a caravan site and cabins where our friends were staying, as well as various activities spread around - trampolines, flying foxes, mini golf, tennis, swings, a deer park...  Lots to do!

Our friends arrived and all merry  hell broke lose!  Small people running every where, screaming and yelling.  The trampoline took the edge off enough for us to watch the deer being fed without scaring them off, and then headed back to one of the cabins for a BBQ dinner.  Eventually it was all too much for most of the smalls and I took Ianto and Anouke back down to the camp area.  While I was trying to light the camp fire Ianto headed off to make friends with the neighbours!   There were 2 other small boys camping nearby and they all ran around for ages.  I met another single mama out of it and we chatted until it started to get dark and Anouke was getting really tired.  The campfire was not the scary thing I had anticipated - Ianto I knew would be fine, but I worried about Anouke, for no reason it turned out!  She liked looking at it and was fascinated, but didn;t try to touch or anything.  So we toasted marshmallows and read stories until it gor really dark (I love our long twilights!) and crawled into the tent to find a deflated air bed...  Never mind, we slept on top of that and a doona with another doona on top and were asleep in minutes.

I'll have to come back to share the rest as the small people have woken up which is my cue to start breakfast!

Intense day...

To start with Ianto didn't wake up til half an hour before it was time to leave for his dads, then when we got there he didn't want me to go - I think because I have been staying so that Anouke can get to know her dad before she goes for visits without me, Ianto remembered what it was like when we were still together and wanted it back again.  In the end he was fine, but it was not a good start to the day!
Then I got home to discover that one of the families who was supposed to be coming camping on the weekend has chickenpox, so it was a lot of backwards and forwards trying to figure out who had been exposed and when and if they were contagious then...  Worked out in the end, only 2 families had been exposed so the rest of us are heading up, but took a while to figure it out!
And Ianto has been REALLY full on since he got back from his dads - it was not a normal afternoon as we stopped by my parents place to borrow their bigger car for the camping trip and he got all excited and shouty and over tired and mummy had had enough!
But things are calming down now.  Ianto and Anouke are happily pulling nappies out of the bag, dinner has been had and soon I'll log off and start packing.  Just gotta get the right music onto my phone so that I have stuff to listen too and we'll be right!

On a slightly more somber note, I have been finding more and more that I am getting flashback type things from my last relationship.  Starting to feel very manipulated and dirty about it all, but I will be getting a new referral for a psych this week and will hopefully be able to move forward with it.

Off the Nan's again.

Wednesday again so its off to my Nan's for lunch.  Usually we would catch buses, but as Ianto has only just woken up we may well be driving.  He is not a morning boy and trying to rush these things will just make him cranky and means it takes twice as long to get out of the house.  We'll see how he goes.
Anouke and I have been up for a couple of hours playing with various things - she has been hiding blocks down my jumper and then finding them.  Developing her brain, learning that things stay there even when you can't see them.  She is much more of a morning person - wakes up and is firing on all cylinders at once, but at the end of the day is cranky and ready for sleep, whereas Ianto doesn't get going til late in the afternoon!  Makes life interesting to coordinate 2 very different little people!

waiting on the rain to fall...

It is forecast to rain today, and it is muggy and humid and very cloudy but no rain...  I wish it would so that it would cool down a bit.  The drop in barometric pressure brought out the march flies and there were too many for the spiders and the tea towel whip to deal with so we had to make a trip to the store for flyspray.  I usually hate the stuff, but I hate march flies more!

Thanks to Ianto's penchant for hanging over the back fence talking to anyone who looks his way we have gotten to know the neighbours over the last couple of days.  A lovely single dad, his teenage daughter (part time) and her 4 month old son.  After a late night chat last night he offered to come over and get rid of all the grass that needs a brush cutter for me, and at 9.30 this morning he popped over and got it all under control!  It is lovely to know that we have someone so close by who can help us out if we need it, and extra nice to have got rid of the long grass so that the snakes can't hide in it anymore.  When it cools down a bit I'll do some baking to drop off for him tomorrow.

I still haven't got around to doing a freezer stocktake, which I really need to do - I haven't labeled anything in there so don't know what I'm pulling out half the time lol.  As I have done HUGE grocery runs the last 2 fotrnights I should be able to live out of the pantry and freezer for at least the next fortnight so will be setting myself the budget of $42 (from the $21 challenge which only covers a week) to get the bare essentials  - milk, eggs, possibly butter and flour and the rest of my money will go towards car rego and paying off debts.
My big goal for this year is to get rid of my debts.  Some of them have been hanging around for over 5 years and I can't move forward with other goals until they are gone.  So throwing everything at them it is until they are gone!

HEAT

Oh. My.  God.  It is hot today.  For us anyway - it is about 32 C, way too hot for me and my small people.  Hiding inside with the curtains closed, hoping it goes away soon!
I'll probably bundle everyone into the car and whizz down to Mum and Dad's soon so we can go for a swim at the beach down there - it has a cliff behind it and faces south east, so by the late afternoon it is lovely there, still warm on days like this but out of the direct sun and the water is lovely and refreshing (yes, even when the river is flowing into the Southern Ocean lol)

We had a lovely day there yesterday pottering around with my parents as we do every Sunday.  We did the grocery shopping on the way then we all piled into my parents car and headed into the country side to pick some berries.  The farm is in a lovely spot, in the foot hills of a mountain range and the berry fields slope down into a gully, all you can hear is the sprinklers, cows in the next valley and other people picking berries.  Anouke fell asleep in the car on the way there, so Dad stayed up in the car with her until she woke up and Mum, Ianto and I went off and got about  6 kilos of various berries, raspberries mostly with some black and red currents as well.  Headed back and had a quick visit from my grandparents before a BBQ dinner with fresh raspberries for dessert.  Lovely way to spend the day.

We also got the tent and lilo from Mum and Dad's as we are going camping this weekend with about 6 other families.  I'm looking forward to it - it isn't often there are whole families present as partners and husbands are usually working so it will be great to catch up with friends from all over the state and some from interstate as well!  Add in all the extra eyes to watch all the extra small people and it should be a nice relaxing weekend.

Taking a break...

Well, more like took a break.  Kind of enforced as the wireless thingy on my laptop decided not to work for a week, but with some judicious restarting of various appliances it seems to be working again.
Not having the distraction of the internet around meant that I was giving more of my attention to Ianto and he thrived on it.  As long as he can have my attention, he doesn't seem to need it.  As a result we seem to be chugging along quite nicely at the moment.  I 'm going to try and keep the online time to only when the small people are asleep now.  I have also started keeping a food diary of what he eats and how his mood is through out the day, to see if there is any correlations.  Thankfully as I make most things from scratch there isn't much in the way of artifical colours or preservatives.  We also headed south today with a friend and her 2 girls in search of organic meat and found it, so I now have a freezer with lots of sausages, hamburgers and mince, all crap free!

I have noticed changes in me recently too.  Last week we had a really hot day and went to the beach and for the first time in my life I am comfortable enough in my skin that I didn't care about wearing my swimmers.  I was quite happy lounging around Mum and Dad's house in just a skirt and bra top too.  Since I first started dating I have never had much confidence and have never been comfortable in a bikini, especially in front of boyfriends, which when you think about it is really backwards.  A lot of this has to do with the way that I was abused emotionally and psychologically by those boyfriends.  It was an ongoing theme of my relationships, and one which left me scarred and (ironically) more likely to chose abusive men the next time.  As a result my self image was down the toilet (at 156 cm and 56 kg I thought I was overweight) and I had no confidence.  Another way my growing confidence is showing is that I am happy to dance like an idiot with my small people.  Such a small thing, but so huge at the same time.  My first long term boyfriend was never satisfied with me - I wasn't slim enough/rich enough/a good enough dancer/concerned enough with his wellbeing... The list could go on.  This rubbed off on me until much as I wanted to go dancing, I just couldn't.  I would be crippled with self doubt and shame, convinced that I was uncoordinated and that every one was looking at me and judging me.  The only time I danced was if I was drunk - which meant that if I went out getting drunk became a mission so that I would feel free enough to dance.
But now I can dance again.  I am confident in my skin, stretch- marked, squishy and wobbly as it is.  And I feel almost as if I am going back to being 15 and being reborn in a way.  My dreams are the same vivid dreams I had then - of boyfriends and innocent relationships.  Nothing more than hugging and kissing, and not dreams I want to wake up from.  It is lovely to find this part of myself again!

Which sort of leads me to being a Woman.  Legally I have been an adult for 8 years now, but I didn't feel like a woman until about 8 months ago.  I started to feel like a woman when I birthed Anouke into the bath at home with just her father and one of my best friends present, but it wasn't until I stood up and said "I deserve better and my children deserve better!" and took responsibility for getting that better life that I actually started to feel like a woman.  Now I feel like Woman, I feel stronger, I feel in control of my life and I have a direction...

Happy New Year...

A couple of days late, admittedly, but I've been busy.  We spent New Years Day at my parents and had a special family dinner as my sister is back off to uni and we won't see her til August at my cousins wedding.  We went to the beach and paddled in the paddling pool when the beach was too windy.  New Years Eve was HOT, Ianto went to the beach with his dad while Anouke and I hid inside all day.  When I picked Ianto up we all headed down to my parents and went to the beach which was divine.  There are not many days when swimming in our river is a good thing, but this was one of them!  the neighbours were down there as well and Ianto had a great time playing in the water with them and after they had gone Mum came down too.  It is great to see Ianto just running out into the water, this time last year he was still very nervous of the water, especially at the beach.  Anouke however is a right water baby.  She just toddled right in!  With a predicted temp of 30C til after midnight we headed home to bed only to get up later to watch a HUGE thunderstorm.  Anouke and I sat on the back step getting wet in the 20 min rain watching it.  Ianto raced back to the bedroom when the thunder got too much lol.
And yesterday was the blessingway of one of my good friends who is just about ready to pop!  A blessingway is a day dedicated to helping the expectant mother prepare for birthing her babe and to honour her.  Each one is different as each mother is different, but common themes are henna bellies (although not this time as our resident henna woman was sick), beaded bracelets or necklaces (to which everyone contributes a bead) and lots of good food and gossip :)  My friend also asked us to contribute to a mural on the wall of her birthing room which was great fun.

And today is a cleaning day.  My carpet is covered in sultanas and dolls house furniture and I need to do more baking.  So I'm off to put my apron on and get into it!

Time off

I am gonna admit it - Thursdays are wonderful.  Thursdays are the day that Ianto goes to his dad's or 6 hours.  So it is quiet at home.  I can spend some time one on one with Anouke without worrying about his reaction (jumping in too roughly, getting jealous, 'needing' something so that I have to pay attention to him too).  And  Ianto gets one on one attention from his Dad.  Both small people love it too.  Ianto loves seeing his dad and doing stuff with him and Anouke loves having free range of the toys lol.

One of the major things about being a single parent is the lack of support - the constantness of eing the only parent.  It is easy to think "I should just go back to him, at least then I'd have some one else around to help".  Then I remember.  He didn't help.  He was either in the computer room playing games that 'couldn't be paused', watching tv or smoking pot.  There was no help with house work and parenting help was minimal.  So in the end it is actually easier now.  However, it is nice to have a break every now and again.

I find 'me time' as and where I can.  The couple of hours before they wake up in the mornings are special.  I love early morning light, the quiet outside broken only by bird call, the cool before the day warms up in summer, sitting in front of the fire in winter...  I blog, I check my forums and blogs, have a shower by myself and maybe a cup of tea...  Sundays we go to my parents for sunday lunch and both small people love my parents so off they go and I get a chance to read a book...
These small moments I treasure.  They give me a chance to get my breath, set myself up for the day and week.  Thursdays are my midweek chance to catch my breath and find my center again.  It sets me up for being a better mama and happier person.