3 years on, loneliness and the value of a good wallow

This week marks three years since my relationship with x ended.  A lot has happened in that three years, and I have grown a lot.  Many things have come up over the years and I have reached a place of contentment with my life in general. 
One of the big struggles I have found at various times of being an attachment parent by myself and that I am finding difficult at the moment is loneliness. 

I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination - I have the smalls obviously, and many friends who are as close as family and of course my family - but I don't have intimacy with anyone and that is what I crave.  Not all the time.  It comes and goes in waves and I can go for a very long time without it bothering me but every now and again it hits with almost overwhelming force and I retreat. 

I react in much the same way as I have to breakups, I  find eating difficult, sleeping difficult and interacting with others difficult. 
Looking after myself becomes strange, I want to shower more and wear things I know make me look good while at the same time I would like nothing more than to curl up in bed and read or listen to soppy romances in my pj's with endless cups of tea. 

Previously when this has hit I have joined internet dating sites, gone on new friend making missions and generally tried to fix the problem (before breaking up with x the 'solution' I came up with was to jump into a new relationship straight away). 

This time I have wallowed.  I have whinged and whined to friends.  I have cried.  I have tortured myself listening to many romantic audiobooks.  And you know what?  I am coming out the other side with more awareness of myself and the way I think.  I know that it is normal to want intimacy from someone that doesn't expect anything in return (cuddles from smalls are lovely, but require me to give more than I recieve).  I know that I am filling up my time without children with socialising and volunteering because I need the interaction with people that is just for me and that is ok.  It is the same way that my father reacts to my mother being away too.  And I know it is ok to feel lonely.  It is ok to feel sad.  Its ok to feel angry/depressed/whatever. 

Blog again blog again bloggity blog

I usually think of things while I'm milking the cow in the morning.  Its leisurely and quiet and my brain does its best (some would argue only) work in the mornings.  By the time I have finished milking, given her hay, fed the bantams and dealt with the milk I have forgotton most of what I thought of! 
It doesn't matter what the morning is like, once I am in the shed, leaning my head into her warm side with the rhythm milking soothing my brain and soul I look out the back of the shed and feel hugely content with my lot.  Watching native hens in the paddock after rain, or the mist come down the hill, or the rain come down while I am warm and dry (ish) is lovely, and I couldn't ask for a more peaceful start to my day.
After I've done milking I usually feed the bantams.  I have had a completely irrational fear of birds for most of my life and I'm desensitising my self by feeding the bantams and staying in the coop with them while they eat and learniing that they are not going fly up and attack me...
Milk gets strained, cream skimmed, cheese put on, breakfast cooked and coffee made.  In amongst all this there is the usual parenting stuff as well which can go well or badly, depending on the level of whinge...  Having had the calm of dealing with the animals first thing and being able to think straight means that I can at least attempt to parent with empathy.  You know it is a bad day when I run out of empathy first thing in the morning! 
The rest of our day just pootles along, knitting, the kids playing or killing each other, a visit to a friend, watching shows on the computer, fencing, laundry, dishes...
And this is not at all how I meant this blog post to go, but here it has ended up...

My Bliss

The last year has been one of stability for our little family and it shows.  We have all reached a place of peace and contentment.  Ianto and Anouke play together lovingly most of the time and are free with expressions of love for each other, as well as dislike.
Ianto has calmed and leveled, life had been pretty unsettled for him since I fell pregnant with Anouke and finally we don't have to move, we have our chosen family as well as our family of origin, and it has had a marvellous effect on him.
Anouke has always been calmer than Ianto, but has hit three and we have started to reduce the amount of breastfeeds she has which brings out the threenager in her.  Strange at it sounds, I love it when she gets angry with me and storms off shouting about how she hates me.  It shows that she is completely secure in our relationship and trusts that she is allowed to express any emotions without censure.

And now some photos :D

privlige

I am privileged because I am white.
I am privileged because I am Christian.
I am privileged because I am slim.
I am privileged because I live in a developed country.
I am privileged because I finished my education up to Year 12.
I am privileged with access to free healthcare and further education is within my reach if I want it.
I am privileged to live in a developed country where fresh water and food can be taken for granted.

I am also privileged that when I found myself in an abusive relationship I had the support of the community to leave and keep myself and my children safe.

There are many ways in which I experience the other end of privilege - where I am not the one experiencing it.  I am a woman, a single mother, I don't have a university education and have been out of the work force for 2.5 years.  I can't afford to "keep up with the Jones'" (and don't want to).  There are things I chose which affect the way that I am seen and treated - I chose to leave the work force to look after my children full time.  I chose to embrace my womanhood in all its natural glory.  I chose to remove myself and my children from the mainstream consumer driven norm (something which I am still working on!).  I chose not to continue my education.  All these choices have freed me however.  I have been the one to make these choices.  Making these choices has empowered me to live a life that is closer to my ideals and ethical choices.  And this is perhaps my biggest privilege.  The ability to choose.

So without lessening my pain at being a woman in a patriarchy, without lessening the struggles that we still face 100 years after women won the right to vote, I like to ensure that I remember the ways in which I AM privileged, and the struggles that are so much harder for many women all over the world.  Women who can't get an education, access to vital healthcare when it is needed, and for whom access to food and clean water means a hike that takes most of the day for not enough to feed their family.  Women who are forced to stay in marriages a lot more abusive than the one I left so easily in comparison.  Women who if they manage to leave an abusive relationship find there chance of getting murdered actually increases, who have to work around the clock just to pay the rent, who find their chances of physical assault and murder increases just because they have a life within their womb.    Not all these apply only to developing countries, many of these apply to women living in developed countries such as Australia, the USA and the UK.


We're clearly soldiers in petticoats
And dauntless crusaders for woman's votes
Though we adore men individually
We agree that as a group they're rather stupid!

Cast off the shackles of yesterday!
Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
Our daughters' daughters will adore us
And they'll sign in grateful chorus
"Well done, Sister Suffragette!"

From Kensington to Billingsgate
One hears the restless cries!
From ev'ry corner of the land:
"Womankind, arise!"
Political equality and equal rights with men!
Take heart! For Missus Pankhurst has been clapped in irons again!

No more the meek and mild subservients we!
We're fighting for our rights, militantly!
Never you fear!

So, cast off the shackles of yesterday!
Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!
Our daughters' daughters will adore us
And they'll sign in grateful chorus
"Well done! Well done!
Well done Sister Suffragette!"


Music: Richard M. + Robert B. Sherman
Lyrics: Richard M. + Robert B. Sherman
Premiere: 1964
from the Mary Poppins soundtrack

Broken

sigh - while bravely rescuing my children from the clutches of the lesser known Tasmanian Crocodile I managed to break the end off my fibula.  One word - ow.  Repeated many, many times. 
This then lead to convoluted borrowings of strangers phones as I had of course left mine at home to call my grand parents and TLW.  TLW brought my phone and the Grandfather drove my car with me and the kids to the ER while the Grandmother drove their car behind us.  Met Mum at the ER and the Grandfather then had to take Mum's car back to her house where the Grandmother picked him up and they went home.  Phew!

Meanwhile, Mum, small people and I sat and waited.  And waited.  Then when I lost feeling in my toes (I'd left my Doc Marten on to fulfil the Compression part of RICE) the nurse finally came to take my boot off and triage me - oh, impressive swelling localised over ankle bone.  Was sat in a very comfortable recliner wheel chair and popped in a corner to wait.  We arrived at about 1pm.  I had xrays taken.  After a couple of hours Mum took the small people to the supermarket for supplies other than chocolate bars and chips which is apparently all the hospital can supply. They arrived back after 45 minutes or so and I still hadn't been called.  Waited for another hour, still no call.  Mum went to find out what was happening because if it was just a sprain we could just go to a chemist for bandages and crutches and go home.  They told her that it was a fracture and I had been called but hadn't answered - apparently sticking ones head out the door and saying a name without entering the waiting room works...  Or not.  Eventually Mum had words about small children having to wait in the ER while the drunk drivers and other detritus of saturday night were coming in and Anouke threw a tanty and I got through!  Mum took smalls home for tea and after another hour I was plastered, crutched and sent home - it was 8 pm when I arrived home!

Today went much smoother when I had to go back for a full cast now that the swelling has disappeared.  I had an early appointment which was only 5 minutes late, got a new cast, got new xrays, talked to the registrar - 6 weeks no weight bearing, no driving - and came home.  So the next few weeks will be complicated.  No driving makes life difficult but I'm sure we will get buy.

Weather and then some

Wow.  What a winter it has been!  A phenomenally wet April that burst the banks of the creek at the bottom of the property, and now we have just had a week of snow!  Not on our place, but the road into Hobart was closed yesterday.  Its the kid of winter stuff I remember from when I was in primary school, which is about 20 years ago now.  The small people loved sitting on top of the highest point of the road last week and catching snowflakes in their hands out the window of the car.
Today has dawned crisp and clear and beautiful.  the sun is out and the sky is blue albeit with a bit of wind and some grey clouds around the horizon.
Today the housemates head off on a holiday with their assorted children for a few days.  Its sort of a holiday for us too - being in the house by ourselves is a rare thing.   I haven't had to cook dinner months because I am on wash up duty so there is a novelty factor involved with it now lol.

I've had  a request for rainbow gloves from both small people so need to finish spinning up the wool they have chosen too so I can do that...  so much to do and so little time.

musings on being a single parent

yeah, was moving my blog, did, not posting back here for some reason...  who knows?
What is getting me today is a realisation of what I miss.  Its not the physical intimacy of a relationship, although that would be nice sometimes.  It is the help with the day to day.  I've never had what I am missing but it would be nice on days like today where I have woken up with shocking PMS and just want to hide from the world to be able to say "I discount myself from parenting on the grounds that I will be crap at it today."
It would be nice sometimes when feeling this crap to have someone around so that I could fall, and be caught and nurtured.  Cos at this time in my cycle I need nurturing.  I find I don't have the energy to nurture my children (and really, they are being fantastic today, both woke up in good moods and have been pretty much amusing themselves) because I need to reserve all my energy for myself.  So it would be nice to know that there was someone around who I could rely on to pick up the peices at the end of today.