Sunday, May 20, 2012

3 years on, loneliness and the value of a good wallow

This week marks three years since my relationship with x ended.  A lot has happened in that three years, and I have grown a lot.  Many things have come up over the years and I have reached a place of contentment with my life in general. 
One of the big struggles I have found at various times of being an attachment parent by myself and that I am finding difficult at the moment is loneliness. 

I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination - I have the smalls obviously, and many friends who are as close as family and of course my family - but I don't have intimacy with anyone and that is what I crave.  Not all the time.  It comes and goes in waves and I can go for a very long time without it bothering me but every now and again it hits with almost overwhelming force and I retreat. 

I react in much the same way as I have to breakups, I  find eating difficult, sleeping difficult and interacting with others difficult. 
Looking after myself becomes strange, I want to shower more and wear things I know make me look good while at the same time I would like nothing more than to curl up in bed and read or listen to soppy romances in my pj's with endless cups of tea. 

Previously when this has hit I have joined internet dating sites, gone on new friend making missions and generally tried to fix the problem (before breaking up with x the 'solution' I came up with was to jump into a new relationship straight away). 

This time I have wallowed.  I have whinged and whined to friends.  I have cried.  I have tortured myself listening to many romantic audiobooks.  And you know what?  I am coming out the other side with more awareness of myself and the way I think.  I know that it is normal to want intimacy from someone that doesn't expect anything in return (cuddles from smalls are lovely, but require me to give more than I recieve).  I know that I am filling up my time without children with socialising and volunteering because I need the interaction with people that is just for me and that is ok.  It is the same way that my father reacts to my mother being away too.  And I know it is ok to feel lonely.  It is ok to feel sad.  Its ok to feel angry/depressed/whatever. 

Friday, April 27, 2012

Blog again blog again bloggity blog

I usually think of things while I'm milking the cow in the morning.  Its leisurely and quiet and my brain does its best (some would argue only) work in the mornings.  By the time I have finished milking, given her hay, fed the bantams and dealt with the milk I have forgotton most of what I thought of! 
It doesn't matter what the morning is like, once I am in the shed, leaning my head into her warm side with the rhythm milking soothing my brain and soul I look out the back of the shed and feel hugely content with my lot.  Watching native hens in the paddock after rain, or the mist come down the hill, or the rain come down while I am warm and dry (ish) is lovely, and I couldn't ask for a more peaceful start to my day.
After I've done milking I usually feed the bantams.  I have had a completely irrational fear of birds for most of my life and I'm desensitising my self by feeding the bantams and staying in the coop with them while they eat and learniing that they are not going fly up and attack me...
Milk gets strained, cream skimmed, cheese put on, breakfast cooked and coffee made.  In amongst all this there is the usual parenting stuff as well which can go well or badly, depending on the level of whinge...  Having had the calm of dealing with the animals first thing and being able to think straight means that I can at least attempt to parent with empathy.  You know it is a bad day when I run out of empathy first thing in the morning! 
The rest of our day just pootles along, knitting, the kids playing or killing each other, a visit to a friend, watching shows on the computer, fencing, laundry, dishes...
And this is not at all how I meant this blog post to go, but here it has ended up...

Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Bliss

The last year has been one of stability for our little family and it shows.  We have all reached a place of peace and contentment.  Ianto and Anouke play together lovingly most of the time and are free with expressions of love for each other, as well as dislike.
Ianto has calmed and leveled, life had been pretty unsettled for him since I fell pregnant with Anouke and finally we don't have to move, we have our chosen family as well as our family of origin, and it has had a marvellous effect on him.
Anouke has always been calmer than Ianto, but has hit three and we have started to reduce the amount of breastfeeds she has which brings out the threenager in her.  Strange at it sounds, I love it when she gets angry with me and storms off shouting about how she hates me.  It shows that she is completely secure in our relationship and trusts that she is allowed to express any emotions without censure.

And now some photos :D