Ianto turns 4 on Monday...

He wanted a Green Sheep cake, and a Green Sheep cake I made.  Feeling a little proud of myself.  His favourite book when he was tiny, and Anouke's favourite book now, is "Where is the Green Sheep?" by Mem Fox.  Its a lovely book that ends with finding the green sheep fast asleep.  Which is just what my small people are doing right now - both of them draped over various couches while I watch "Transamerica".

Tomorrow we have a quiet birthday celebration planned.  Ianto requested just the cake with his grandparents, so they are coming up for dinner, and bringing the paddling pool as it is going to be 33 C tomorrow.  My grandparents are also dropping in as they do every couple of weeks when they are in town, but as Ianto doesn't like birthday parties and has specifically requested not to have one there will be no singing or other party stuff.  Just a quiet day pottering at home :)

AAAAANNNNDDD, we're back...

Turning the computer off is good for my family, I'm gonna try and stick more to turning it off while they are awake.  Over the last few days I managed to clean and reorganise the playroom, loungeroom and kitchen and keep them tidy!  We went opshopping during the weekend and found a table - just big enough for us three and exactly the right size to make a dining space in the lounge room.  I ended up getting new chairs to go with it as I couldn't find any suitable ones (aka, ones not likely to break under the onslaught of a certain 4 year old...) but they were only $20 each so the whole dining setting cost a grand total of $100 - the same I would have paid for a complete second hand one!
Having a tidy playroom, set meals and a tidy living area has made a huge difference for all of us.  Ianto is much happier this week.  If I manage to keep on top of his blood sugar levels (starting the day with porridge is vital!) then we generally have a very even day with no tantrums.  He will even help me tidy up at the end of the day!
Which leads me to another big thing for me, I have been making sure I tidy up at the end of the day, wash up, get toys out of the lounge, quick sweep and vacuum.  Makes a huge difference to how I feel in the morning and makes getting proper food into Ianto much easier too.  Anouke is loving all the open space and being able to walk around without tripping over stuff.  Apparently habits take 21 days to form, so I am trying my darnedest to keep this up for that long in an attempt to make it something I don't have to think about!

another enforced break!

As the charger for my laptop is broken and I have to wait for a new one to be delivered...

but until then - I have been giving Ianto porridge for breakfast and the difference is staggering.  From the uncontrollable tantrum over minigolf after nutrigrain, to the boy who happily shared the digger at the park and even helped the girl figure out how to use it and then played happily with her!  Even when it was time to leave there was minimal complaining!  I was gobsmacked.
We have also seen our lovely GP and now know how to go about getting a plan in place to start taking it further.  So progress is being made, and I'm feeling good about it.

Hopefully my new charger will be here early next week and I can get back into it again :)

More camping!

On the second day all the various small people were a bit over it.  One family decided to go home that day instead of staying the 2 nights, and 2 others went for drives in the morning so that their small people would sleep!  Ianto, Anouke and I played a round of mini golf with the family that was leaving that ended in a most spectacular tantrum from Ianto because one of the children hit her ball before he hit his...  On the upside, it was another puzzle piece for me because I could see the difference between him having porridge for breakfast like he does when we are home and having nutrigrain for breakfast like he did that morning!  In the end Ianto, Anouke and I retreated back to the camp ground and stoked our fire and hung out there for a bit.  Cooked some sausages on sticks over the fire, Anouke had a snooze...  Every one calmed down and recentred themselves.

After Anouke woke up and we had had lunch we went back to the trampoline for a while, discovering a few jack jumper nests on the way!  If they didn't pack a horrible bite I'd like the little buggers more lol.  The way they rush out the defend their nest at the slightest sign of intrusion, well, I can relate to that a bit ;)  Fairly soon the families who had gone for a drive came back and Ianto disappeared with the older children to find more swings and trampolines and other fun stuff while I stayed behind with Anouke and 2 other mamas with smaller children - one 3 weeks older than Anouke and one 7 months old.  It was lovely to just be able to sit and have a chat and a cup of tea for once!  Eventually Ianto decided he wanted another boat ride, so I left Anouke with the other families again and went out in a canoe.  Ianto had a good paddle before he decided he was too tired and STARVING so I had better take us back lol.  I love knowing that I can leave Anouke with my friends like that and if she wants boob or gets upset they will be willing and able to breast feed her or offer her the same sorts of comfort I would.  Over the weekend she did get fed by another mama and now has a special bond with her.  There are only a few people who get kisses from Anouke at this stage, and this mama is the only non family member to be elevated to such high status.
After cooking hamburgers on the BBQ and Anouke and Ianto getting thoroughly blackened from playing in the black sand I gave them a quick shower and got them into their PJ's in preperation for operation toasted marshmallows.  We headed up to one of the cabins and 7 small people and 8 big people commenced marshmallow toasting.  The small people lost interest fairly early on, which was more left for us!
Most of the families left once thier small people started to get cranky and tired, but we hung out with another family whose children are late to bed for a while until the running around got a bit manic at which point I decided it was time to head back to camp for some calming down time!
Once stories were done, both small people were asleep within minutes - unsurprisingly!  I didn't have such a restful night however as there was a thunderstorm which was very impressive, but made it hard to sleep!

Ianto was ready to go home as soon as he woke up in the morning - he migrated straight from the tent to his car seat!
Both of them were asleep in the car before too long so I drove straight through to home.  It was good to be home and have a nice long hot shower and just sit for a little while!

The weekend was great, and has inspired me to save up for our own camping equipment so that we can do it more often.  Both small people thrived on it, even if we were all exhausted!

Camping Trip

Been quiet here over the weekend as we went camping!  We had a wonderful time, and it is def something we will be doing again.  We left early Friday morning and headed out, Anouke fell asleep in the car which helped, but we still stopped at about halfway for a leg stretch and some breakfast as Ianto had been so eager to get going that he refused to eat breakfast!
We arrived at the campsite fairly early and set up the tent then wandered up to the lake for a look.  After trying to go for a boat ride and Anouke being terrified and Ianto falling in we decided that the boat would have to wait until our friends arrived and could look after Anouke for us, so we headed to the playground and then up to the shop for ice cream.  The camp ground also has a caravan site and cabins where our friends were staying, as well as various activities spread around - trampolines, flying foxes, mini golf, tennis, swings, a deer park...  Lots to do!

Our friends arrived and all merry  hell broke lose!  Small people running every where, screaming and yelling.  The trampoline took the edge off enough for us to watch the deer being fed without scaring them off, and then headed back to one of the cabins for a BBQ dinner.  Eventually it was all too much for most of the smalls and I took Ianto and Anouke back down to the camp area.  While I was trying to light the camp fire Ianto headed off to make friends with the neighbours!   There were 2 other small boys camping nearby and they all ran around for ages.  I met another single mama out of it and we chatted until it started to get dark and Anouke was getting really tired.  The campfire was not the scary thing I had anticipated - Ianto I knew would be fine, but I worried about Anouke, for no reason it turned out!  She liked looking at it and was fascinated, but didn;t try to touch or anything.  So we toasted marshmallows and read stories until it gor really dark (I love our long twilights!) and crawled into the tent to find a deflated air bed...  Never mind, we slept on top of that and a doona with another doona on top and were asleep in minutes.

I'll have to come back to share the rest as the small people have woken up which is my cue to start breakfast!

Intense day...

To start with Ianto didn't wake up til half an hour before it was time to leave for his dads, then when we got there he didn't want me to go - I think because I have been staying so that Anouke can get to know her dad before she goes for visits without me, Ianto remembered what it was like when we were still together and wanted it back again.  In the end he was fine, but it was not a good start to the day!
Then I got home to discover that one of the families who was supposed to be coming camping on the weekend has chickenpox, so it was a lot of backwards and forwards trying to figure out who had been exposed and when and if they were contagious then...  Worked out in the end, only 2 families had been exposed so the rest of us are heading up, but took a while to figure it out!
And Ianto has been REALLY full on since he got back from his dads - it was not a normal afternoon as we stopped by my parents place to borrow their bigger car for the camping trip and he got all excited and shouty and over tired and mummy had had enough!
But things are calming down now.  Ianto and Anouke are happily pulling nappies out of the bag, dinner has been had and soon I'll log off and start packing.  Just gotta get the right music onto my phone so that I have stuff to listen too and we'll be right!

On a slightly more somber note, I have been finding more and more that I am getting flashback type things from my last relationship.  Starting to feel very manipulated and dirty about it all, but I will be getting a new referral for a psych this week and will hopefully be able to move forward with it.

Off the Nan's again.

Wednesday again so its off to my Nan's for lunch.  Usually we would catch buses, but as Ianto has only just woken up we may well be driving.  He is not a morning boy and trying to rush these things will just make him cranky and means it takes twice as long to get out of the house.  We'll see how he goes.
Anouke and I have been up for a couple of hours playing with various things - she has been hiding blocks down my jumper and then finding them.  Developing her brain, learning that things stay there even when you can't see them.  She is much more of a morning person - wakes up and is firing on all cylinders at once, but at the end of the day is cranky and ready for sleep, whereas Ianto doesn't get going til late in the afternoon!  Makes life interesting to coordinate 2 very different little people!

waiting on the rain to fall...

It is forecast to rain today, and it is muggy and humid and very cloudy but no rain...  I wish it would so that it would cool down a bit.  The drop in barometric pressure brought out the march flies and there were too many for the spiders and the tea towel whip to deal with so we had to make a trip to the store for flyspray.  I usually hate the stuff, but I hate march flies more!

Thanks to Ianto's penchant for hanging over the back fence talking to anyone who looks his way we have gotten to know the neighbours over the last couple of days.  A lovely single dad, his teenage daughter (part time) and her 4 month old son.  After a late night chat last night he offered to come over and get rid of all the grass that needs a brush cutter for me, and at 9.30 this morning he popped over and got it all under control!  It is lovely to know that we have someone so close by who can help us out if we need it, and extra nice to have got rid of the long grass so that the snakes can't hide in it anymore.  When it cools down a bit I'll do some baking to drop off for him tomorrow.

I still haven't got around to doing a freezer stocktake, which I really need to do - I haven't labeled anything in there so don't know what I'm pulling out half the time lol.  As I have done HUGE grocery runs the last 2 fotrnights I should be able to live out of the pantry and freezer for at least the next fortnight so will be setting myself the budget of $42 (from the $21 challenge which only covers a week) to get the bare essentials  - milk, eggs, possibly butter and flour and the rest of my money will go towards car rego and paying off debts.
My big goal for this year is to get rid of my debts.  Some of them have been hanging around for over 5 years and I can't move forward with other goals until they are gone.  So throwing everything at them it is until they are gone!

HEAT

Oh. My.  God.  It is hot today.  For us anyway - it is about 32 C, way too hot for me and my small people.  Hiding inside with the curtains closed, hoping it goes away soon!
I'll probably bundle everyone into the car and whizz down to Mum and Dad's soon so we can go for a swim at the beach down there - it has a cliff behind it and faces south east, so by the late afternoon it is lovely there, still warm on days like this but out of the direct sun and the water is lovely and refreshing (yes, even when the river is flowing into the Southern Ocean lol)

We had a lovely day there yesterday pottering around with my parents as we do every Sunday.  We did the grocery shopping on the way then we all piled into my parents car and headed into the country side to pick some berries.  The farm is in a lovely spot, in the foot hills of a mountain range and the berry fields slope down into a gully, all you can hear is the sprinklers, cows in the next valley and other people picking berries.  Anouke fell asleep in the car on the way there, so Dad stayed up in the car with her until she woke up and Mum, Ianto and I went off and got about  6 kilos of various berries, raspberries mostly with some black and red currents as well.  Headed back and had a quick visit from my grandparents before a BBQ dinner with fresh raspberries for dessert.  Lovely way to spend the day.

We also got the tent and lilo from Mum and Dad's as we are going camping this weekend with about 6 other families.  I'm looking forward to it - it isn't often there are whole families present as partners and husbands are usually working so it will be great to catch up with friends from all over the state and some from interstate as well!  Add in all the extra eyes to watch all the extra small people and it should be a nice relaxing weekend.

Taking a break...

Well, more like took a break.  Kind of enforced as the wireless thingy on my laptop decided not to work for a week, but with some judicious restarting of various appliances it seems to be working again.
Not having the distraction of the internet around meant that I was giving more of my attention to Ianto and he thrived on it.  As long as he can have my attention, he doesn't seem to need it.  As a result we seem to be chugging along quite nicely at the moment.  I 'm going to try and keep the online time to only when the small people are asleep now.  I have also started keeping a food diary of what he eats and how his mood is through out the day, to see if there is any correlations.  Thankfully as I make most things from scratch there isn't much in the way of artifical colours or preservatives.  We also headed south today with a friend and her 2 girls in search of organic meat and found it, so I now have a freezer with lots of sausages, hamburgers and mince, all crap free!

I have noticed changes in me recently too.  Last week we had a really hot day and went to the beach and for the first time in my life I am comfortable enough in my skin that I didn't care about wearing my swimmers.  I was quite happy lounging around Mum and Dad's house in just a skirt and bra top too.  Since I first started dating I have never had much confidence and have never been comfortable in a bikini, especially in front of boyfriends, which when you think about it is really backwards.  A lot of this has to do with the way that I was abused emotionally and psychologically by those boyfriends.  It was an ongoing theme of my relationships, and one which left me scarred and (ironically) more likely to chose abusive men the next time.  As a result my self image was down the toilet (at 156 cm and 56 kg I thought I was overweight) and I had no confidence.  Another way my growing confidence is showing is that I am happy to dance like an idiot with my small people.  Such a small thing, but so huge at the same time.  My first long term boyfriend was never satisfied with me - I wasn't slim enough/rich enough/a good enough dancer/concerned enough with his wellbeing... The list could go on.  This rubbed off on me until much as I wanted to go dancing, I just couldn't.  I would be crippled with self doubt and shame, convinced that I was uncoordinated and that every one was looking at me and judging me.  The only time I danced was if I was drunk - which meant that if I went out getting drunk became a mission so that I would feel free enough to dance.
But now I can dance again.  I am confident in my skin, stretch- marked, squishy and wobbly as it is.  And I feel almost as if I am going back to being 15 and being reborn in a way.  My dreams are the same vivid dreams I had then - of boyfriends and innocent relationships.  Nothing more than hugging and kissing, and not dreams I want to wake up from.  It is lovely to find this part of myself again!

Which sort of leads me to being a Woman.  Legally I have been an adult for 8 years now, but I didn't feel like a woman until about 8 months ago.  I started to feel like a woman when I birthed Anouke into the bath at home with just her father and one of my best friends present, but it wasn't until I stood up and said "I deserve better and my children deserve better!" and took responsibility for getting that better life that I actually started to feel like a woman.  Now I feel like Woman, I feel stronger, I feel in control of my life and I have a direction...

Happy New Year...

A couple of days late, admittedly, but I've been busy.  We spent New Years Day at my parents and had a special family dinner as my sister is back off to uni and we won't see her til August at my cousins wedding.  We went to the beach and paddled in the paddling pool when the beach was too windy.  New Years Eve was HOT, Ianto went to the beach with his dad while Anouke and I hid inside all day.  When I picked Ianto up we all headed down to my parents and went to the beach which was divine.  There are not many days when swimming in our river is a good thing, but this was one of them!  the neighbours were down there as well and Ianto had a great time playing in the water with them and after they had gone Mum came down too.  It is great to see Ianto just running out into the water, this time last year he was still very nervous of the water, especially at the beach.  Anouke however is a right water baby.  She just toddled right in!  With a predicted temp of 30C til after midnight we headed home to bed only to get up later to watch a HUGE thunderstorm.  Anouke and I sat on the back step getting wet in the 20 min rain watching it.  Ianto raced back to the bedroom when the thunder got too much lol.
And yesterday was the blessingway of one of my good friends who is just about ready to pop!  A blessingway is a day dedicated to helping the expectant mother prepare for birthing her babe and to honour her.  Each one is different as each mother is different, but common themes are henna bellies (although not this time as our resident henna woman was sick), beaded bracelets or necklaces (to which everyone contributes a bead) and lots of good food and gossip :)  My friend also asked us to contribute to a mural on the wall of her birthing room which was great fun.

And today is a cleaning day.  My carpet is covered in sultanas and dolls house furniture and I need to do more baking.  So I'm off to put my apron on and get into it!

Time off

I am gonna admit it - Thursdays are wonderful.  Thursdays are the day that Ianto goes to his dad's or 6 hours.  So it is quiet at home.  I can spend some time one on one with Anouke without worrying about his reaction (jumping in too roughly, getting jealous, 'needing' something so that I have to pay attention to him too).  And  Ianto gets one on one attention from his Dad.  Both small people love it too.  Ianto loves seeing his dad and doing stuff with him and Anouke loves having free range of the toys lol.

One of the major things about being a single parent is the lack of support - the constantness of eing the only parent.  It is easy to think "I should just go back to him, at least then I'd have some one else around to help".  Then I remember.  He didn't help.  He was either in the computer room playing games that 'couldn't be paused', watching tv or smoking pot.  There was no help with house work and parenting help was minimal.  So in the end it is actually easier now.  However, it is nice to have a break every now and again.

I find 'me time' as and where I can.  The couple of hours before they wake up in the mornings are special.  I love early morning light, the quiet outside broken only by bird call, the cool before the day warms up in summer, sitting in front of the fire in winter...  I blog, I check my forums and blogs, have a shower by myself and maybe a cup of tea...  Sundays we go to my parents for sunday lunch and both small people love my parents so off they go and I get a chance to read a book...
These small moments I treasure.  They give me a chance to get my breath, set myself up for the day and week.  Thursdays are my midweek chance to catch my breath and find my center again.  It sets me up for being a better mama and happier person.