Taking a break...

Well, more like took a break.  Kind of enforced as the wireless thingy on my laptop decided not to work for a week, but with some judicious restarting of various appliances it seems to be working again.
Not having the distraction of the internet around meant that I was giving more of my attention to Ianto and he thrived on it.  As long as he can have my attention, he doesn't seem to need it.  As a result we seem to be chugging along quite nicely at the moment.  I 'm going to try and keep the online time to only when the small people are asleep now.  I have also started keeping a food diary of what he eats and how his mood is through out the day, to see if there is any correlations.  Thankfully as I make most things from scratch there isn't much in the way of artifical colours or preservatives.  We also headed south today with a friend and her 2 girls in search of organic meat and found it, so I now have a freezer with lots of sausages, hamburgers and mince, all crap free!

I have noticed changes in me recently too.  Last week we had a really hot day and went to the beach and for the first time in my life I am comfortable enough in my skin that I didn't care about wearing my swimmers.  I was quite happy lounging around Mum and Dad's house in just a skirt and bra top too.  Since I first started dating I have never had much confidence and have never been comfortable in a bikini, especially in front of boyfriends, which when you think about it is really backwards.  A lot of this has to do with the way that I was abused emotionally and psychologically by those boyfriends.  It was an ongoing theme of my relationships, and one which left me scarred and (ironically) more likely to chose abusive men the next time.  As a result my self image was down the toilet (at 156 cm and 56 kg I thought I was overweight) and I had no confidence.  Another way my growing confidence is showing is that I am happy to dance like an idiot with my small people.  Such a small thing, but so huge at the same time.  My first long term boyfriend was never satisfied with me - I wasn't slim enough/rich enough/a good enough dancer/concerned enough with his wellbeing... The list could go on.  This rubbed off on me until much as I wanted to go dancing, I just couldn't.  I would be crippled with self doubt and shame, convinced that I was uncoordinated and that every one was looking at me and judging me.  The only time I danced was if I was drunk - which meant that if I went out getting drunk became a mission so that I would feel free enough to dance.
But now I can dance again.  I am confident in my skin, stretch- marked, squishy and wobbly as it is.  And I feel almost as if I am going back to being 15 and being reborn in a way.  My dreams are the same vivid dreams I had then - of boyfriends and innocent relationships.  Nothing more than hugging and kissing, and not dreams I want to wake up from.  It is lovely to find this part of myself again!

Which sort of leads me to being a Woman.  Legally I have been an adult for 8 years now, but I didn't feel like a woman until about 8 months ago.  I started to feel like a woman when I birthed Anouke into the bath at home with just her father and one of my best friends present, but it wasn't until I stood up and said "I deserve better and my children deserve better!" and took responsibility for getting that better life that I actually started to feel like a woman.  Now I feel like Woman, I feel stronger, I feel in control of my life and I have a direction...