Inspiration hits...

My resolution for next year was to make it one of change. Last year was one of great upheaval for myself and the small ones. A few months in my partner and I seperated, so 2009 was stressful for all of us, particularly Ianto who at 3 was quite aware of the fact that his Dad was not around any more. Things have settled down on that front though, so we are moving onwards and upwards into the new year.

Some clarity has been gained recently into Ianto - piecing together the various elements that I notice about him and his behaviour. He has always been an intense little man, not hugely cuddly, prone to sensory overload and generally requiring a lot of energy and attention. Some of it is I'm sure just his wonderful personality - he is also very intelligent and articulate, co-ordinated and sure - some of it is a result of being exposed to various aspects living with an addict and some I get the feeling is something else. I have come to a place where I realise I need input from others to help me to help him, as the strategies I have in my arsenal at the moment are insufficient and not working. So once the Silly Season is over we are heading to the GP (how nice is it to have found a GP who homebirthed his children and coslept with them and is comfortable with attachment parenting?!) to hopefully get a referral to see an Occupational Therapist.

Anouke, being one, will be heading into a massive year of change as well :) She started walking on her first birthday and is now zooming around. Taking the first step also seemed to trigger other developmental things for her and her babbling is starting to increase and take on a more understandable tone. She will happily wander off and entertain herself 'cooking', 'shopping' and generally pottering around. In the last week she has suddenly started to not be satisfied with breastmilk alone and has started sharing meals with Ianto and I and now has her own sippy cup that she carries around.

Watching them change and grow is inspiration in itself, but looking over the things they were given for Christmas was hugely inspirational as well. My parents and I conspired to get them a dolls house, loving built by Grandad :) and their paternal grandmother gave them a houseful of dolls and furniture which we are all enjoying arranging and rearranging. Various other wooden and stimulating toys, books and games have markedly improved the quality of toys that is available to them now, so Monday will mark a day of reorganising the playroom! And by default the rest of the house lol... I'm also going to get rid of a lot of the toys they have that they don't play with - way too many teddy bears, various small plastic toys that have somehow accumulated... That may have to wait until Ianto is visiting his Dad on Thursday though. Much as I don't like the idea of getting rid of his things without him knowing, discussion around this sort of thing doesn't generally work with him. He gets very rigid about how the world should be and one of the ways the world should be is that nothing that has ever been his can ever be taken away. Weighing up the benefits of the new playroom with toys that are better for him vs the benefits of spending all day getting him to understand why some toys need to go has lead me to the decision to just do it while he isn't here. The explaination would be stressful for both of us, and would probably end in meltdown and shouting so we will try and avoid that!

For myself there are a few changes that will be made - eating better, for my own health and also the health of the small ones. Ianto tends to live on highly processed white foods which is not good and probably contributes to the stuff I mentioned earlier. I also have a lot of work to do on myself emotionally and psychologically. Moving forward to a place where I have a stronger sense of self and boundaries than I do at present and repairing the damage from stuff that happened in the past. Hopefully there will be a move involved to the country. Ianto starts Kinder in 2011 and the school he is down for is a 45 minute drive from where we currently live - not really practical, environmental or economical! There is a lovely little community 5 minutes from the school though and I have friends and family who live down that way too. 2010 will also be the year that I erase a lot of debt from my life and start studying to be a Childbirth Educator and Doula. I am passionate about birth and am really looking forward to getting my teeth sunk in to something that inspires me.

Not bad for my first post, here's to keeping it up!